Rules About Eating With a Vegan

Never bring a weapon too big to double as a dining utensil to the table when dining with friends.
— Seanan McGuire
 rules of eating with vegans

Vegans are rare creatures, twice as majestic as your average meat-eater. This is likely because they are at least three degrees closer to Jesus than even a good Christian who enjoys a bacon and egg brunch after Sunday service.Taking that into consideration, here are a few steps to help you successfully dine with a vegan:

  1. Make sure that you vegan friend has their certified organic hazmat suit nearby.
  2. Open any blinds so sunlight can come in. Vegans get half of their energy through photosynthesis.
  3. Point your vegan friend's seat so it faces the direction of Portland, Oregon, the vegan/ hipster capitol of the world.
  4. Turn on your sound track of butterflies mating; you should own one by now.
  5. Dim the lights, and enjoy!
  6. Oh, and if you planned on eating anything that does not closely resemble a bag of bird see, you're screwed.






If your eyes aren’t watering from all the BS yet, I hope they are now.


Something that puzzles me is how apologetic some people act around me. Sometimes when people first find out they will actually ask permission to eat certain food in front of me. I am not your mom. It’s your food and your body, do what you want with it.


Since it’s been several years, most of the people I spend time around know that I am not the least bit bothered by what they choose to eat. But occasionally somebody will offer me a piece of chocolate; I politely decline; then they feel obliged to apologize. They treat it almost like someone just died:

“How’s your grandma?...Oh! Sorry, I forgot...:”


“Do you want a piece of chocolate?...Oh! Sorry, I forgot…”


I appreciate it ( especially in young people who are often criticized for lacking sensitivity) but it’s bizarre.